Thursday, February 9, 2012

I've missed you

Its been so long since I've blogged. I have a lot to say, but haven't known how to put it all into words. Heck, as I sit down to type, I still don't know how to put it all into words.
The last few weeks have been going very well. I'm feeling back to normal. I'm all recovered from my c-section. Every once in a while, right below my incision, I get a sharp, almost burning pain. Its just one little spot. I'm thinking its nerve damage and hoping it stops soon. I see my OB on the 21st for my 6wk PP visit. I saw him 2 weeks ago and he said everything was looking very nice. I expect the same thing at my next visit. I'll go back on birth control then too.
The girls are still in the NICU. They are doing very well. They are gaining weight nicely. They are still on tube feedings  but have started oral feedings too, which they are tolerating very well. Hopefully they will be out in a couple weeks. The have changed in looks so much since birth. There little faces are fattening up and they are looking less preemie like and more newborn like. (I can't post pics of them, per the request of their parents, so trust me when I say...they're super cute)
I stopped pumping for them last week. It was a hard decision for me. I felt like by stopping I was being selfish. I had planned to pump their whole hospital stay, but it was just becoming too time consuming. I had to be home every 3 hrs and with me feeling better, the kids and I were busy. I weaned down a little then just kind of quit cold turkey. Anyone who's been there knows that stopping pumping SUCKS!!! My boobs were hard and painful. The worst of it lasted a good 3 days, but after the worst it really wasn't too bad. The last time I took milk into the hospital, the nurse told me they had 57 bags of milk. (each bag had between 4-6 or more oz). That was a week ago and the nurse told me today they still have quite a good amount. It wasn't an easy decision to stop but I do know that I provided well for the girls. I know that my milk was such a great start in life for them. I'm so happy that I could provide that to them.
Emotionally...How am I doing?? I get that question a lot. I am doing well. I wasn't sure my whole pregnancy how it would be at the end. I always knew the babies weren't mine. I cared about them a lot but felt very differently from when I was pregnant with my kids. I have no parental attachment to the babies. When I look at them, I feel like I'm looking at my best friends kids. These girls will always hold a special place in my heart. I do get sad when I think about them leaving and heading home. I know that that will be a happy day for them. But I wonder if I'll ever get to see them again. I feel like a little piece of my heart will be leaving too. I hope that I'll get to keep in touch with their parents and maybe one day go visit them. (anyone up for a London trip??)
I have struggled a bit with guilty feelings though. As much as I know its not my fault that they came so early, its still hard. My Dr has reassured me that its actually a good thing that the babies came out when they did as we would have had a very different outcome had they not. But for some reason I still harbour a little bit of guilt. I wonder if I'd of done something, anything different, could we have avoided the cord accident? And consequently early delivery? I also feel like if I do just accept that they had to come when they did, and that it was a good thing, that I'm letting my self off the hook. I don't know when these feeling will go away. I thought with knowing how well the girls are doing would make me feel better, but then I wonder...will they have any long term effects, that we just don't know about yet? I try to not let my mind go there, but I still wonder about it.
On the other hand...I have such a sense of pride right now too. Being a surrogate and delivering these 2 girls has got to be one of the best things I've ever done in my life. It was easy for me to get pregnant with my own kids, physically and emotionally, but its not so easy to do that for someone else. I know that being a surrogate isn't for everyone, it takes a strong woman...and I'm one of those. When I hear the mother and grandmother tell me how much of a blessing I have been to them, its almost hard to hear that with out getting emotional. I know I'm not conceded, but I know I changed these people lives. I made a woman, who wanted nothing more than to be a mother, and who had a hell of a time getting there, a mother. And a mother to 2 beautiful twin girls.

Will I ever do this again...its another question a lot. At this point, I really don't know. Right now, were just enjoying life as it is. Shawn and I do want to complete our family first. But after that I'll still have plenty of child bearing years left in me.
After delivering the twins so early, I wasn't sure (and still not totally sure) if I'd even qualify, but if I can carry my next baby or babies to term, I might. My OB told me he feels very confident that I won't have a repeat preterm delivery. He recommended I not carry twins again. If I do become a surrogate again, I'd only transfer one embryo. I just don't know where life will take me. I'm just not completely closing that door right now.
Well that gotten a lot off my chest for right now. I'm not sure where this blog will go, now that my surrogacy journey has come to a close. I'm going to turn my focus to my family and my self now. Since giving birth, I initially lost 23lbs, but in the last couple weeks, I've gained back 5. I typically don't get a lot of cravings during pregnancy but I get a lot after. And I don't gain much either, but if I'm not careful, I could easily gain a lot after. So as soon as I see my Dr next and get his clearance to start exercising, I'm going to hit the weight loss hard. I want to get this body in shape. Wish me luck...maybe I'll blog about my progress.

3 comments:

  1. Love reading your update Bridget!! So much has happened in the past month for you, I know - you are an amazing woman and surro and I'm very glad you've had this time with your IM and surrobabes. :) You did a wonderful thing pumping for them and stocking them up so well! :D I hope you get the clearance to resume exercise at your next check up, I know I'm going to have to get back into a good workout routine after these two arrive as well. Good luck to you - keep us posted! :)

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  2. Keep your chin up .. life happens and as much as we like to think we are in control ~ we really are not. You have done something beautiful and brought two little miracle into this world. Praying that they will get to go home some .. it will be sad for you to say goodbye but seeing them leave the NICU is going to be the best feeling ever. Take care of yourself.

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  3. You are amazing. I too have loved reading your blog. Thanks for sharing your experience with all of us. Now that you have written how you feel, hopefully that also purged your guilty feelings. You could not have done anything differently to prevent the cord incident and thank God that he brought these babies when He did, so the parents got two little girls.

    You "should" be filled with pride at what you have done for this couple and their families. They are precious babies!! You have done so much and will continue doing so much for the mom and grandma while they are here in the states. The relationship will continue because you have made a difference in these people's lives. It will be sad to see them go home to London, and like now, you will give yourself time to reflect and time to grieve as well, and then take the kids to sunny Arizona for spring break.

    I'm signing up to go to London with you!!!! And, as you have included the parents in the journey in the pregnancy and seeing their babies via skype, they too will include you as they grow.

    I am so proud of you and who you are.

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